i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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