I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
