You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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