mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
