hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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