Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
