I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Found your dick twin last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
