And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
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I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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