I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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