Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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