I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
They took my balls.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
