Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I believe in your delicious
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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