LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
