One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
