"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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