he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
