ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
