Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
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They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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