Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
