True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I need water and some morals
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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