I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
