I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
