i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
