I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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