Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
