I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
