obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
