One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
