Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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