my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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