just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
