i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
