You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
