i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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