I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
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You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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