sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
