I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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