Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i think i just lost a toe
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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