dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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