All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
