So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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