I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
