she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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