I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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