I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
