You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
