you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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