first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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