You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
