Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
