Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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