just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Man, jail baloney is awful.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
