I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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