I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
