We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Still dying that you shit outside
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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