You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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