we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
