do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon